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A Drive by Shooting
By Anthony Bourdain on July 31, 2009 11:15 AM | Permalink | 126 Comments
This week's "Special" episode is a compendium of footage, shot over time around the world, celebrating the joys, delights (and occasional perils) of street food.
Basically? It's a clip show.
The thing I'm proudest of on this show is not what's seen on the screen. It's what you hear on the soundtrack: Now, ordinarily, we can't afford to use music from my favorite albums. Or ANY albums, for that matter. It's a ridiculous amount of money to get the rights to even the most innocuous of songs. For a long time, even the singing of "Happy Birthday" during a scene--or played on a jukebox in the background, could cost you BIG money. We're a tiny, five person crew, shooting entirely on small DV cameras with homemade jibs, using bags of rice and skateboards as dollies. We can't afford even "Happy Birthday!"
There have been, over the years, many times when I have fantasized wistfully about how great it would be if only we could use this song or that.
So imagine my absolute surprise and joy when I found out that after a hail-Mary, stab-in-the-dark, personal appeal to Iggy Pop, that he'd allowed us to use the dark, amazing song "Down On The Street" from my favorite album ever: The Stooges' awesome pre-punk classic, "Fun House". Though I do not know you, sir, Thanks, Jim.
********
" Thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes...black eyes...like a doll's eyes. When he comes at you, doesn't seem to be livin' ..until he bites you--and those black eyes roll over white, and then you hear that terrible high pitched screamin'...the ocean turns red..."
Robert Shaw (as Quint) in Jaws
So, I get invited to a movie premier. This doesn't happen a lot and it's for Julie/Julia, and I happen to be very sentimental on the subject of Julia Child . The book "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" has a sort of totemic place in my personal history--as it does, I'm sure, for millions of others. I am also a big Stanley Tucci fan. He directed and co-starred in the single best live action film on the restaurant business (Big Night) and there was certainly no reason to believe that Meryl Streep couldn't "do" Julia. ( Of course she can.) But that's not the point of this tale.The next morning, I'm still trying to reconstruct the exact progression, the details, like trying to remember the license plate of the truck that hit me. Only this wasn't any normal truck. This was far more terrifying and traumatic an event than being smashed by the grill of a Peterbilt, pulled up into the wheel well, dragged for a while, only to have my shredded remnants left by the side of the road, wondering, in my last moments of consciousness, "What the hell happened?" I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.
I'm standing there by the boeuf bourgignonne station, sucking down martinis with my wife (they drink a LOT of martinis in the movie), minding my own business, having an innocent chat with some friends, when I notice someone has their hand on me. An icy, tendril of fear runs down my spine. I turn and find myself looking straight into the deceptively attractive and reasonable looking face of Sandra Lee.
To make matters worse--and more.....uncomfortable, she's standing next to her boyfriend, Andrew Cuomo, the Attorney General of the State of New York.
Now, I've said some unkind things over the years about Sandra. Far too many and far too terrible things to ever apologize for. Plus, I pretty much meant every word. Once you've seen Sandra making Kwanzaa Cake on YouTube, there's no backing down . My head is reeling with the thought that one phone call from Cuomo and my last twenty years of tax returns are getting audited . I'm paralyzed, wondering what the statute of limitations is on various things I may or may not have done twenty years ago. Sandra is talking. I know this cause her lips are moving and she's saying--overtly anyway, nice things. Like "You're a very naughty man," and she's chatting amiably with my wife. But one hand is picking over me like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest, most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say, would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my ears are red yet. (They were.) Having had her way with me, she leaves the emptied husk of my carcass teetering at the table and moves on.
I felt like the victim of a drive-by shooting. "What just..happened?" I said with a weak, trembly voice. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the quiet but very thorough disembowelment that had just occurred. Nothing. It had looked, to anyone who'd care to notice, like any other cocktail party conversation--but I knew better. I had looked into those eyes. I'd seen. Oh, she was smiling all right, but I'm pretty damn sure you could have dragged a rusty butterknife across my carotid artery right there at the table and her expression would not have changed, maybe only the eyes, they'd roll over white as I geysered onto the chafing dishes.
As we say on the show all the time, "What have we learned today?"
I learned that were a nuclear weapon to fall on New York, I'm pretty sure that if no one else, Sandra Lee would survive to clamber out of the rubble. That if it came down to a fight over the last can of food, she would surely emerge the victor.
I learned that I am truly and deeply afraid of her. And I'm pretty sure she's a Democrat.
126 Comments
Anthony Bourdain
Meet Anthony Bourdain
Anthony Bourdain is a 28-year veteran of professional kitchens, having worked as a dishwasher, line cook and chef in places good, bad and horrible -- most of them in New York City. Read Anthony Bourdain's full biography.
About No Reservations
"No Reservations" dives headfirst into life's colorful and rich pageant. Join Anthony Bourdain as he circumnavigates the globe on his conquest to discover the cities, villages and countries that provide life's truest surprises. Learn more about the show.
- Alternate Universe
- I Told You I Smelled Emmy!
- …..I Shall Wear the Bottoms of My Trousers Rolled
- FOR PARENTS ONLY
- Big Sky ... Thick Jungle ... Zero Tolerance (and Diane Saves The Day)
- State of Siege
- I'm Not Angry
- A Drive by Shooting
- Tony 'n' Zamir's Excellent Adventure
- Swag Bags For All My Friends!
- Antonio/Antonia
- Dear Rachael
- How Can I Miss You, When You Won't Go Away?
- Not Fade Away
- Hierarchy of Pork
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What is funny is ...in spite of this evident fear ... you will still continue to say "not so great" things about her "semi home made" activities ..... bravo Tony !!
Tony,
What is there to be afraid of except the possibilities of making three meals from $1.78?
Careful, Tony. She knows how to get rid of a body. Rib roast- $14.99 per pound. Ground beef- $3.59 per pound. Ground travel host- Priceless. And free. I'd hate to think that you ended up in some kind of mutant meatloaf with a blue box mac and cheese ribbon in the middle.
Jesus.
I'm surprised she didn't core you like an apple.
Frankly, I'd be surprised if she could recognize an apple...
"One can of apple pie filling, only $1.09? In a pinch..."
Not surprisingly, she seems the very same creature we see on FewdTV: a can-opener twirling, KFC shilling, BriteSmile advocate a la the button-eyed Other Mommy from Coraline. Any inkling of trepidation, and she morphs into a fanged, black-eyed arachnid, imprisons the souls of your loved ones and vampirically feeds off your life force for eternity.
*Decrepit Tony storage provided by Glad and the Glad family of products.
Some of your humour at its best! Glad you made it through and continue survive.
Hilarious... you made my day!
Nice coincidence that you mention one of your totemic icons (the Julia Child book) while also mentioning one of mine: Iggy's FUN HOUSE... although that album was about 11 years old before I managed to 'discover' it, it certainly stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of my favs - from the first five Ramones albums to the Clash to "Let it Be" (by which I mean, of course, the REPLACEMENTS album of that name and not the one from that british 4some)
Stay Strong.
"She got a TV eye on me"
Oh, I love you. How could anyone else sum up their disembowelment so eloquently. You are so much more than she could ever be.
I'm somehow more confused about learning that she's dating Cuomo. Really?
Tony, didn't your mom ever tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? haha. it's funny how you still say not so nice things about her cooking. lol
It's fun living in a state where the mistress of evil is dating one of chief political hacks isn't it?
I still think Rachael Ray's fruit basket was more insidious, as it coerced you to say nice things about her.
Got here via Food Network Humor.com - great read.
On another topic, your captchas are ridiculous. I have to type Italian-based Loutrel before this comment will be accepted? Really?
How many other "pretend" Food Network chefs were in attendance ? I guess by watching the movie, many of them will be introduced to the world of Cordon Bleu for the first time.
Too funny! But you shouldn't be afraid of her. Just take her can opener away and she'll be helpless!
Haha. Love it. You love the Kwanzaa cake. Don't deny it.
Oh man, she 'tablescaped' your azz! LOL
Tablescapes are evil.
Ha! I was uncomfortable just reading this post! Let's hope there is not a part 2 in the future!
HA! You should dare (I mean "invite") her to go with you to your next trip to Mumbai, Vietnam, Cambodia or El Salvador. THAT would be interesting!
Tony, I've seen the Kwanzaa Cake episode. She deserves everything you can dish her way and more. Go fearless Tony! Battle the evil that is Semi Homemade! You will undoubtedly arise the victor. We got your back!
Bravo Tony! Just remember--you did metaphysical battle and in my book, you won. We love you, big guy.
This is too funny!!!
Great chef and great writer.
I am laughing also because I always wonder why Sandra Lee, the girl who has a book out there that says on the cover "nothing made from scratch" (I know scary)has a cooking show. But I guess you need everything and everyone to make the world go round!
So when are you inviting her over for dinner;-) I'd really like to read that!!! Maybe a novel to consider? Come on Tony, just for you fan!! It's only a few hours
:-))
Joie De Table
www.isabellemazzoni.com
You never cease to crack me up. Touche. And, that Kwanzaa cake is the stuff of legend on the internet.
Your posts are so hilarious and true. What is awesome about you is, you do not say those things intentionally to hurt anyone, you genuinely mean them (I'm glad you do because I feel the same way), but you aren't so tough that things don't affect you. You are a sweet person and delicate and fragile like we all are. Except you understand how masses of people are fooled by people pretending to be "unique" and different who are really just dull, carbon copies of the last dodo you saw on TV.
To those who say you are mean I would say NO....he is smart. And witty. And creative. And awesome!
bravissimo!!!
Redolent of dead cats and dead rats sucking on a man's brain.
It's truly amazing about the fees needed to use music clips these days. 'Happy Birthday' I wonder if the music industry will start staking out 5 year old's birthday parties soon.
Likewise I found it difficult to find any type of non-generic music to use for video clips and so on. I think the only solution is to go with independent artists. They'll be glad of the exposure, and who knows... maybe... just maybe come up with something worth listening to. Or at least get a viewers head bopping for a few beats.
Unfortunately you might have to listen through a lot of crap en route.
Meanwhile, I'm all ears for any budding music groups to do a short overlay song for video clips... any takers??
Hilarious story! I'm off to check out the Kwanzaa Cake episode...
Hysterical post. My sister and I were talking about Sandra the other day, it's not the show that's bad, it's her. She's downright annoying and phony. You put anyone else in that spot, I think that show would be half watchable.
You crush her and Cuomo with your pinky.
I aspire to write anything as captivating and amusing as this piece. "Like some demonic bird of prey"...just classic, Mr. Bourdain. I, like many of your faithful followers and commentors, are glad you survived this encounter; the world needs more of you and less of, well, you know...
Anthony, I love love love the way you write!!! and I love love love your show!!!
Well, Andrew Cuomo's no longer married to a Kennedy so maybe he's got to eat cheap food.
Keep on snarking on this boney heifer, Tony, I wouldn't care if her BF looked like a goodfella - her food's HORRIBLE!!! I love your show.
HI Tony. I live in Baltimore, and I must say you made a horrible choice in your episode of my amazing city. I must say that to pick a fast food place that sells lake trout is insulting when you consider that Baltimore has some of the best food you can find in the Nation. I would have thought maybe you would have picked an actual Baltimore favorite, like steamed blue crabs, or maybe one of the amazing downtown restaurants like a Tapa's restaurant or maybe The Brass Elephant. With all of the hugely popular, fine dining restaurants you may have picked, which show Baltimore in a much better light, you decided to pick lake trout. What an insult.
Austin, I think you may have missed the entire point of the episode.
Cuomo certainly got passed over in the looks department uh ? That boy looks like part bulldog, part marsupial. Sandra Lee can do better. I guess she is in it for the bucks.
I was catching up on your shows today and discovered you had a blog. Well, I'm a real fan, of you, and Top Chef, so I'll add your blog to my favourites. I like to eat, not cook. I do so love watching your long lean jean-clad cowboy boot wearing legs as an entree to No Reservations.
OMG, Sandra Lee used Tony in one of her tablescapes. That had to been horrifying for him.
Tony were was Vic Chanko when you needed him the most (LOL).
Tony, Tony, Tony! I have just discoverd your show this summer on the Travel Channel and am thoroughly engrossed and entertained, which is something very rare nowadays on TV. As a 54 yr old domestic goddess slash housewife, I am trying to view all your shows and am having trouble with the sound as I DVR them. Is it my equipment or is the Travel Channel just being cruel?
Your show is full of honest, soulful comments about the people, places and foods you experience. Sarcasm is sometimes hinted without seeming hurtful and the ever constant drivel on some other programs is thankfully absent.
Come to Birmingham, Alabama. I am of Lebanese descent and there is a wonderful restaurant called the Pita Stop you would certainly enjoy. This would replace the disappointing outcome of the Beirut episode albeit a US version.
Love, love your show.
Lynne
I am not a techie so in the rare event you respond to this, can you email me?
Meryl 'Street'???
I have read your books, love your show and now enjoy this blog. Your description of this scene is very vivid! Thank you for your excellent work.
Tony,
Whaddya wanna bet Sandra just loves, Loves LOOOOOVES Billy Joel?
It's no stretch to imagine Sandra has you pre-cast in the James Caan role of her own personal version of "Misery." And she, in the Kathy Bates role, will have "It's Still Rock N' Roll To Me" blaring in the background when she brings out the wood blocks and the sledgehammer.
Never travel alone, Tony, even around the block. And stay off small aircraft.
Sandra is EVERYWHERE.
Tony,
Please do a full episode of Detroit. I was deeply saddened when you didn't stop by the Eastern Market in your little Detroit snippet on the rustbelt show.
I've lived in Detroit my whole life and had no freakin clue what feather bowling was...I think it's just for old polocks..
Come back! Detroit has so much more to offer!
Sandra reminds me of a spider just holding out a piece of meat to pull you in. Then ones she has you on the table she pours some sort of pre-made sauce from Wally Mart posion on you.
Hey, I thought Sandra's BF was the other Cuomo, the weatherman on Good Morning America. OR is it the news reader?
Tony, I'm a huge fan, but, dude, it sounds like you deserved it. I think its funny man. love you, but I'm just saying.
Will Sandra name a special martini after you on the next show she films? Does she stil even record, or do they just replay Halloween episodes from 5 years ago?
Is her cleavage as evident in real life?
Is it just coincidence that your name is a combination of Bourbon and Disdain ? P.S. Love the show.
I dreamt last night we met at a food expo (whatever that is). You were kind and appreciative when I expressed that you are one of my favorite chefs and authors. I'd like to imagine things would be the same had we met in real life!
HI TONY, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME MIAMI. I LOVE YOUR SHOW. YOU ARE THE MAGNIFICENT. SEE YOU SOON.
Ugh! Sandra Lee is actually WORSE than Rachel Ray. If she sends you a fruit basket, please don't eat it. We like you alive!
Have you looked in a mirror lately? I suspect there will be no reflection. She probably took your soul when she laid her hand on your back.
Hi , Anthony Bourdain,
I am a great Fan of yours, so
Can you do your fans a favor and list on your site the names of the Restaurants and bars you visit on your shows>> I am always trying to catch up.
Bone marrow in NYC
Cote de bone in Paris
for example
Thanks
David
If Tony's body turns up in the bottom of a vat of Cool Whip, we're coming after you Sandra!
So glad you lived to blog about the Sandra Lee encounter. Your description was hilarious, and I'm with the others - don't eat anything from the fruit basket, if it arrives. She really touched your earlobe? Eeeew! I figured Mario Cuomo's son would have better taste than to have his head turned by a nice rack and processed food.
Tony - did you know Iggy Pop has a house here in Cayman? If you want to use any more of his stuff for the show, let me know & I'll ask him as we sometimes bump into him on the beach or doing his grocery shopping.
Hey ImpeachObama, you're a douche , no place for you here we are mostly progressive libs, like Tony, with no taste for that Brainless idiot Palin!!
This left me in tears, Tony. Except that the part about Cuomo left me frightened and confused!
Remember- you can't pick your friends, but you can pick your enemies! Cheers, Tony!
kwanza Cake how about the lame Kentucky grilled/fried chicken commercial Sandra Lee did recently talk about selling out.
Great reading Tony..you make me laugh every time! I hope you never stop...=)
Man, watched the latest show and it was good.
Tony - don't worry about the angry vendor in HK.
Alot of HK'ers are cranky mo fos.
Hope this show doesn't get cut cause I was a little worried when the travel channel started to play hours of
Man vs. Food and that Dr. Mike and bite show.
Argghhh!
well my cable is all f'd up and i believe i missed this episode. GRRRRR.
Enjoyed the show, espically that "Bone Soup". I was ready to grab a bone out of your hand! Crisp pig skin and marrow are primo!!!!!
Come on Bourdain. Street Food is tempting, but disappointing when you are looking forward to new footage.
Your writing and your show are the best. Even though I've got my head in a bread/pizza oven 24/7, your books and shows are an inspiration and a constant subject with my 20-year old pizza-guy staff.
Ironically,in the Navy, I drunkenly experienced finding pages of an Air Force technical manual marked "Confidential",folded into a cone and stuffed with fried "meat" outside an Osan, Korea bar. Our prep for partying in the Phillipines was to chug a 16 ounce bottle of Pepto Bismal before hitting the barrio and monkey meat on a stick as well as unpastuerized San Miguel beer swill.
I don't know how you do it, but you do it very well. Thank you.
If you're ever gonna do a "forgotton mid-america tour" come on down to Athens, Ohio and bake some psycho-breads with me. We'd love to have you.
Semper Pie
John Gutekanst
Owner
Avalanche Pizza
Athens, Ohio
HAHA! I don't know how I've made it this far in life without seeing that YouTube clip. My favorite part is when she is spooning the frosting onto the cake, and says "this is everyone's favorite part", as if her family tucks into a big ol' Kwanzaa cake every year, the kids fighting over who gets to shove the massive candles in, etc.
I really enjoyed your show this week! It was neat to see so many countries represented in one episode. I laughed and commiserated with your producer when he told the story of being violently ill and sleeping in the bathroom. A few years ago I visited a friend in Beijing and at the end of my trip I decided to grab a quick meal at a noodle stand. A couple hours into the flight home, I was simultaneously vomiting and shitting myself in the little airplane bathroom. Very ladylike, I assure you. The flight attendants were nice enough to give me a washcloth and seltzer water to clean myself up a bit, but the damage was already done and I had to wander around the Newark airport in an airline blanket. I thought I would be traumatized for life...but the funny thing is that once you're home and back to good health, all that's left are the good memories and one hell of a party story.
Keep up the great work, Anthony! I'm excited to see what else you have coming up.
Not to mention Sandra Lee's incessant whoring for Big Food....especially with her new show where she actually denigrates cooking from scratch (it's sooooooo haaaaarrrrrdddddd and it costs sooooo mucccchhh... you are too poor and stupid to cook from scratch!)...I saw mere seconds of this show and wanted to shrieked "oh, for f**k's sake!!" until I blacked out.
Love the street food, knowing that they are clips from ( sometimes unseen) from previous shows. Surprise to see no street food entries from Japan. You should ( if you haven't already done so) check out yakitori, oden and many other types of sidewalk stalls in Japan. You probably won't find many in Tokyo or even Osaka for that matter. I remembered a great avenue in Kure ( near Hiroshima) that had probably 20 plus stalls serving all kind of street food. The best part of that; they serve cold beer and sake as well.
Sandra Lee always seems to ooze fakeness out of her pores. I can't stand watching her show. On a completely unrelated note, I always imagined Tony marrying an Asian chick since he seemed so enamored when he was in Singapore, HK, Thailand, etc. Guess he didn't have a case of yellow fever! =)
Squeazel cracked me the hell up the first time around and it still does. Best neologism ever.
Squeazel. I repeat - Squeazel. Use it 3 times and it's yours to keep.
Hilarious...and creepy at the same time. SL always sets off the "I will not sleep until I kill again" alarm with her fake-y niceness; your chance meeting only confirms this.
I had to go for a tube-steak lunch today after watching the "Street" show.
Keep the good stuff coming.
I really enjoyed this episode on street food. All the food from Southeast Asia made me very nostalgic of home. Tony, I hope you make a trip out to Cambodia one day--that's my hometown :-)
Even my 7 year old child was afraid of the Kwanzaa Cake. What the ? with those gigantic flowers?
But the weirdest part of my experience with Sandra (in spite of the salient fact of her clone winning "Next FN Star" was that the first time I saw her actual show was when I dragged my fat arse to the gym and she was on (usually, it is soaps or Ina G.) and I noticed that her dress matched her curtains. Not just a little. I did not mean to shout
"for the love of god. her freakin' dress matches her curtains" to the rest of the moms in the room, but I did. And, in a moment of perfect, unscripted timing, the woman on the bike next to me said "every week." Deadpan. Why???????? I spent the rest of my time trying not to look at the screen, thwarted, though I was, by a glimpse of a can of fruit cocktail being dumped over a twinkie-like substance.
While I can't sit (or elispe?_ through a show of hers, I am oddly drawn to the horror. Like a bad traffic accident, maybe.
This is what makes you a true entertainer, Tony...not only can you TELL a story so well that you have the audience hanging on every word, but you write the same way-- I feel like I SAW this whole thing! (So excuse me while I spew chunks...my skin is crawling at the thought!)
hey anthony i just wanted to say to say that your doing a great job with the show. I enjoy it everytime. I do look up to because i think its great that you travel around the world. I always wanted to join you in your travels and to have a drink with you because i know you like to drink. So to rap this up i'm welling to work for you and i'll do my best that all i know how to do when i work for someone. Send me a message because i don't trust the internet with phone numbers. Just tell me yes or no please. Your fan Dominique Manzo. my email dom_wr_86@yahoo.com
I'm surprised that in this eye-widening, paralyzing, nightmare encounter your limbs were not strategically placed, cupcakes planted in your hands, and a wax fruit basket on your head. I guess with the NY Attorney General standing right next to her, it's not advisable to inflict cruel and unusual punishment.
The resurrection of squeazel reminded of a text message exchange with my husband not long ago.
Upon sending a message asking him what he wanted for dinner, his prompt response? "Squeazel and Ass Juice"...
This is why I love you. If you ever happen to be single again...
Tony, you know you would screw her brains out. I would.
Tony, I love your books and your show. After reading this post, I want to have your babies.
Gosh Tony, I can imagine your fright as soon as you realized Sandra was one of the few at Food Network you hadn't apologized to yet. Everything you said about her over at Ruhlman's is still horrifyingly true, but she's a survivor who takes it with grace. (Unlike Tyler Florence, who got all in a snit when you awarded him the Golden Clog last year...haha).
Coming from someone who worked with her, this description is exactly right. Whenever I tell Sandra stories I get the distinct impression that my listeners think I am being harsh or exaggerating wildly. For years I've been saying she has the flat, soul-free eyes of a shark. Thank you...maybe my friends will listen to you!
Tony,
I met you years ago when you were on tour for your first book, Bone in the Throat, at a Macy’s. I was your food stylist. You were wonderful and couldn’t have been nicer.
I worked for “Sandy” for 18 months. I was one of her original food stylists, it was a long and tortured road. The Devil changes form –who knew he’d come as a blond "lifestylist," who loves plastic surgery and botox?
When I met her for the first time I should have noticed the blood seeping from the walls, the bats flying out of her hoohaa, or the three 666’s on her scalp but as a small business owner with assistants to feed, I took the gig. What I learned is: If the devil doesn’t kill you, the valium and vodka you take to sleep at night might.
Nothing you have said should be apologized for. She’d burn babies to be famous. She touched you to get your DNA under her nails. I’m burning candles and have called my priest so you're probably safe. I knew her when she was married to her first husband, she was a Republican shicksa converting to Tony,
I met you years ago when you were on tour for your first book, Bone in the Throat, at a Macy’s. I was your food stylist. You were wonderful and couldn’t have been nicer.
I worked for “Sandy” for 18 months. I was one of her original food stylists, it was a long and tortured road. The Devil changes form –who knew he’d come as a blonde lifestylist,
who loves plastic surgery and botox.
Oh, yes, when I met her for the first time, I should have noticed the blood seeping from the walls, the bats flying out of her woohaa, or the three 666’s on her scalp-but as a small business owner with assistants to feed, I took the gig. What I learned is: If the devil doesn’t kill you, the valium and vodka you take to sleep at night might.
Nothing you have said should be apologized for. She’d burn babies to be famous. She touched you to get your DNA under her nails. I’m burning candles and have called my priest. You made it. I knew her when she was married to her first husband, she was a republican and a shicksa converting to Juidaism. Oy vey!
Continued success to you. Don’t change a thing!
Denise
. Oy vey!
Continued success to you. Don’t change a thing!
Denise
I finally caught up with the Street Food clip show last night, and I love it when you and your crew shoot in Manhattan. Your choice of the borderline between East Harlem and the tonier Upper East Side was pretty inspired, but the neighborhood looks so much grittier on my HD set than it actually is in real life. I can point out every location you filmed your intros in. Did you climb up 96th Street hill to Lexington to get that shot? LOL. Great job.
Hey Anthony! Im doing a blog like your show. check it out!
tt-2-seattle.blogspot.com
What the What the heck happened heck happened to your to your post, Denise? post, Denise?
My Filipina wife turned me onto your books after she found out that I am a fan of your show. We know you've been hankering to go to the Philippines and we're having an old school Filipino wedding in April in Miago/Ilo-ilo. You're invited but ya gotta eat balut.
God damn, that is a funny story and some great prose. This is why I tune in.
BTW: http://www.panachemag.com/Web/BeSeen/UNICEF2/images/Unicef_14.jpg for a pic of your favorite couple
Let me just say for the record, that while Sandra and Rachel both have horrendous TV shows where godawful food is prepared, at least Sandra is a hot babe. Rachel is about as cute as an old baseball glove. Andrew must be enjoying himself immensely with that woman on his arm....by the way, wasn't she once married to a guy from UCLA? I guess that ended in a divorce...?
Did you get flashbacks of school during the movie? I did. I remember Lobster Day back at CIA. I killed the first one with ease, picked up the other and it had passed out, completely limp after seeing what I did to his Damp Newspaper Buddy.
tony,you rock!hey,there are thousands of great bands who would do anything to have a few seconds of a song on your show.and you should have bit her hand off!it couldn't have tasted as bad as warthog rectum.
Howcome toward the end of that little essay I was hearing the music from "Terminator" in my head? Something about Ms. Lee and that post-apocalyptic imagery.
Kinda' gives me new respect for her. Nobody can out-snark The Tony, but overt niceness? It seems to kill you every time. Like the fruit basket from Rachel. It's Taikwando. It gives you nothing to rail against.
I'll have to remember that in case I ever get to ask for an autograph...
Sandra Lee would survive a nuclear attack because here body is so full of plastic and fillers from all the work she has had done. She is fake in every sense of the word.
Tony,
I have this recurrent dream that I run into Simple Sandy Lee, and your blog post recounts my nightmare.
She really called you a "Naughty Boy?"
That's exactly how my nightmare always turns out.
Love your show, love your humor.
One of the comments said something about a "mutant meat loaf" and you are the main ingredient. This is a horrifying thought! What is more horrifying? She would feed you to Andrew?! We all know he would not ask questions until he was half way through it with gusto!
Great show!
Tony-
I do believe the spirit of the good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson has been residing in you for quite some time. I know he's laughing his ass off about now.
But oh no! Did she really accomplish her demonic possession? Is Gonzo now gone? Does that make you undead now? Will you start inviting her over to make squeazel burgers stuffed with cheese whiz? Do we need to wear crosses now when watching any new episodes? Will your head spin completely around? What's going to happen??
I'll pray for you.
toadrunner
S'all good!
I would be happy to let you use any of my songs on your show...CHEAP!!!
Maybe she'll dispose of you via Andrew Zimmerns gullet. Ive heard several people have gone the way of the fetid maggot encrusted cheese. Woe betide all who appose Sandra Lee. After all she might just be in league with the gay mafia and you know what they do to people who mess with their people.
It's all those chemicals she consumes as she concocts and samples her preservative-laden "goodies". She'll be here long after we've all been nuked out of existence....Like a cockroach.
We should pipe her shows in to all the prison cells at Gitmo. Forget morning prayers. Replace that time with Sandra Lee programs. Those prisoners would cough up anything they were asked just to "make it stop".
Great blog, as always...but I'm worried. It seems like a lot of the would-be snarkmeisters responding to this posting know an AWFUL LOT about the Mistress of All That is Purely Semi-Homemade Evil and her show! Hmmm...seems strange to me...
"Welcome to my web, said the spider to the fly..."
It may be just me, but does anyone else remember seeing
Ms Lee on a home decorating show? LONG before she ever managed to "weasel" her way onto the Food Network...maybe
late 70s or early 80s?
I could swear she did one, a la the current food version,
and when I first saw one of her earliest episodes on FN, I was staring at the screen with unbelieving eyes, as the home decorating show was so impossibly AWFUL, FAKE, and
ridiculous, it was obvious that there was no way that
particular hostess would continue on television!
I rather like the idea of one of the posters above...
why not do a show with all of your least favorite
tv presenters? Either that, or get Zimmern to do the show,
and the "guests" would have to eat what he does! Couldnt
you just see that one? Revenge would be yours and sweet,
and they wouldnt know it was your idea! Even better if
Zimmern "dislikes" them as much as you do!
I love your show! When are you going to ISRAEL! we have amazing food, we have a great nightlife, history,beaches, and cities, the people are freindly and fun, and of course in my opinion we have the best food in the world! We have amazing street food and fine dining both- no one else does falafel, and schwarma better, its better than middle eastern and better than european, its a fusion of them both! Imagine, eating in a bedioun tent for lunch and at a night club on the beach with your toes in the sand for dinner! How about some pastries sold freshly in the open air market! I think it would be great if the world saw their favorite food adventurer go to a country many dont understand, but has so much to offer!
Sandy Lee is not only insidious amd vapid, she is also evil. I think as old and decrepit as I am I would die if she touched me. What makes matters even worse is that food network (which has been in serious decline for some time) seems to be bent on estabishing some weird sort of credibility for her.
Whenever I have the misfortune to inadvertently catch her when I channel surf I always become slightly nauseated.
Hilarious story, Tony. It's nice to see that fatherhood and Rachael Ray's gift basket haven't totally softened you.
test...
Why does this site keep rejecting my entries?? Does the name Sandra Lee frighten it that much?
There is an even better video than Kwanzaa Cake on Y--T---.
Sandra Lee Induced Seizure. Y--T---. Watch it!
Hilarity aside, she seems like a better match for Bill the Butcher than Cuomo (perhaps I underestimate him). One morning his cleaning lady is going to come in and discover the withered husk of his corpse sprawled on dining room table as the centerpiece of a Shelob-themed tablescape.
I can't tell you how happy and proud I am that NO RESERVATIONS just got nominated for three Prime Time Emmy Awards. But I am particularly exuberant that the camera work and editing have been individually honored.
True, the show was also nominated for Best Non-Fiction program, a category which brings glory, presumably, to all of us who work at Zero Point Zero Productions.
Hilarious story, Tony. It's nice to see that fatherhood and Rachael Ray's gift basket haven't totally softened you.
First of all, a little portion of vaseline should be applied. But do not get me wrong -- everything I have written is true. So, to start... [vaseline mode on] I think that Anthony Bourdain's show is one of the best in all TV. The way of author's being is great for me and I wish to have similar nature and treatment of life.[vaseline mode off]
The only one thing I almost hate Anthony for (or probably someone how plans his destinations) is that he has not arrived in Poland yet.. I just can not believe that Anthony was in Germany (so close to Poland) and did not visited Poland. It love to see him try some of our national dishes...
I'll bet if you had asked nicely, you could have gotten Alex Chilton to gift you the use of his great song "Bangkok" for the upcoming Thailand show.
"So You Want To Be A Waiter" blog:
http://teleburst.wordpress.com/
I'll bet that you could have gotten Alex Chilton to gift you the use of his great song, "Bangkok", for your upcoming episode on Thailand. That would have been perfect!
"So You Want To Be A Waiter" blog
http://teleburst.wordpress.com/
Tony, your team is welcome to use music from my band anytime. We may not be the Dolls or the Stooges, but we're an Asian band called The Slants - I thought you'd appreciate the humor behind the name
Why does this site keep rejecting my entries?? Does the name Sandra Lee frighten it that much?
Hey Tony, were you really that impressed with Viet Nam that you would really consider moving there? I'm in The Bronx, what place in Queens did you have the noodle soup and pig feet..... I want to go. And how do always appear semi-sober regardless of how much you drink.... which is demanded by local custom of course.
I happen to be friends with the former Executive Chef of the Cuomo family when Andrew's father Mario was Governor of New York State. I'm sure Andrew had more than one meal prepared by my friend and believe me when I tell you if he's eating Sandra's cooking he has definitly traded down. My friend was and is a marvelous chef and Sandra doesn't have the culinary chops to tie his apron. (I've seen her show and I can sum it up in one word: DREADFUL!) I firmly believe Andrew is not dating her for her culinary abilites. *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink* Say no more!
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Well I thought this was gonna be about something totally different because of the title.
I'm somehow more confused about learning that she's dating Cuomo. Really? How could anyone else sum up their disembowelment so eloquently. You are so much more than she could ever be.
Some of your humor at its best! Glad you made it through and continue survive.
I have just discovered your show this summer on the Travel Channel and am thoroughly engrossed and entertained, which is something very rare nowadays on TV.
Love you and your show.
This is a riot Tony! LOL,but truthfully did you at least get a good look at those store-bought melons while she was standing so close? I know your wife was there too but c'mon you must have peeked. I guess when you spend five bucks on dinner for the family you can afford enhancement surgery, or maybe Andie boy paid for em? Anyway...
Love the show Tony,it's a real pick-me-up at the beginning of a long week of work. Listen,please don't leave New York and keep doing the show till you croak, be the Johnny Carson of the Travel Channel!